Ask Satan

Today I’ll expand on replies to a couple of questions from Übermilf.

About 10 days ago she asked, “I suspect that Jim Belushi sold his soul to you, leading you to take his vastly more talented brother out of the picture AND get his television show renewed every year. Is this true?”

No, it’s not. That would be far, far too much for me to pay for Jim Belushi’s soul. I might, at the outside, get his show renewed once. You really don’t need to invoke my influence to explain why TV is bad – people put an enormous amount of crap on TV without any help from me. I think the last time I did anything along those lines was with Suddenly Susan.

Jim Belushi, that was a real shame. Like picking a fruit long before it was ripe, from my point of view.

Continuing on, last week Übermilf asked, “Also, how many musical groups have actually allied themselves with you? Many have claimed it, but is it just posturing? And, are there some that HAVEN'T made such a claim, yet in actually ARE in league with you?”

This is a little tricky to answer, because it depends what you mean by ‘allied’ and ‘in league’. If you mean they’ve traded their souls to me for long-term success and fame, not really any. The deals are usually for one big break or one hit song. But the fact is that the vast majority of groups that think they need just one big break are wrong; if that’s all they needed they’d be there already. So if you’re looking for names in this category, think one-hit wonders.

(In point of fact, though, I’ve bought many more musicians’ souls with a different kind of hit...)

If you mean that the group members are actually my minions doing my bidding, one comment: The kind of people who just do what I tell them are mostly either schizophrenic, psychotic, meglomanic, they hold high elected office, or else they are just really, really stupid. For the most part they don’t have great musical talents. (Not that all bands have musical talent.) More importantly, I just don’t see much point in putting my own resources in this direction, because, as the saying goes, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?

See, there are plenty of bands I get because they join up for nothing. There’s really not much difference between claiming to be my ally and actually being my ally. For the most part there are no marching orders, and many ways they can do their part. Now, since there’s no contract, they can back out, and some do – but sadly there are ways out of the contracts as well. (I’ve lost some tasty souls that way – I’m still sad about Johnny Cash.) But what can you do?

Now, I suspect this wasn’t the answer you wanted; you probably want to know if Black Sabbath or Deicide are getting anything, or maybe Debbie Boone and LeAnn Rimes, I don’t know. Perhaps you were really asking about David Soul? At any rate, sorry to disappoint you.

-- Satan

P.S. No answer to my trivia question yesterday, so I’ll ask it again. This year, neither party will run an incumbent or former vice president. When’s the last time that happened?

Also, Happy Birthday to Babe Ruth.

Have other questions or want advice from Satan? You can email them to Satan or post them in the comments for this blog entry.