Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Ask Satan

Reader Übermilf wrote recently:

I recently learned that one of the students with whom I attended high school committed a treasonous act.

While in New York City on vacation, he visited the United Nations. He picked up a bunch of postcards from our nation's enemy state at that time, the Soviet Union, and sent them to his friends back home with the message: “The Revolution begins at midnight. It will not be televised.”

Should I report him to Homeland Security? Is there a statute of imitations on such deviant acts?

Dear Übermilf,

There is no statute of limitations for treason!

But you haven’t told the whole story. Your former classmate did not act alone. There was a second sender. One of these villains has admitted to being a practicing Muslim! As for the other, the story gets yet more sordid. I will have to change the names to protect the guilty.

Not only did he buy postcards, he bought a small Soviet flag. Back at your alma mater, he then brought that flag to a pep assembly to show off his evil ways. And then, during the National Anthem, coincident with the stirring line, “Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave?” he proceeded to wave the banner of the foe!

Fortunately, a righteous department head – let’s call him “Jhon Hires” – was on hand to confiscate the evil symbol. And soon, the miscreant found himself summoned to the office of the dean – let’s call him “Jaems Bonfield.”

Bonfield nobly began to lecture the young evildoer, stressing the evil that flag representing, using the finest oratorical flourish of Reagan-era Evil Empire anticommunist rhetoric. But the scoundrel would not listen. Instead, he argued that his actions were Constitutionally protected freedom of speech! What infamy! Not satisfied with that distortion, he went on to criticize expressions of school spirit! Merely because some students showed their allegiance to your school, known as “South,” by waving Confederate flags, which this rogue claimed likewise symbolized evil, the evil of slavery. Poor Bonfield was forced to retreat before these distortions, claiming that the school had cracked down on the Confederate flag displays.

It seems clear that you should bring your evidence forward to punish these criminals. Waterboarding would be too good for them. Treason is a hard crime to prove, but the postcard is the evidence. Do not be deterred by the fact that it seems obviously facetious, as everyone knows the revolution will be televised, 24/7, on CNN, FOX News, and MSNBC. Your cause is just, I am sure a coalition of the willing will step forward in solidarity.

A footnote to bring it home, Übermilf, and to highlight the need for action: the evil was more widespread. Upon returning to class, the flag-waver learned that another classmate, assuming a suspension was forthcoming, had already been organizing a walkout in protest. That organizer? Your ex-boyfriend.

May history be your judge,

-- Satan

In somewhat related news: Fidel Castro stepped down this morning. Bush the Lesser, welcoming the news, said, “The United States will help the people of Cuba realize the blessings of liberty.” Blessings? And here I thought your country held them to be inalienable rights. Well, except in the case of suspected terrorists. Or people who look like they might be.

Comments on the primaries tomorrow.

Ask Satan is published irregularly per questions received. Have a question for Satan? Email it to Satan or post it in the comments.


Übermilf said...

Let's face it: my lazy-ass ex-boyfriend would do anything to get out of school.

Your co-conspirator is punishing himself upon the machines of torture at the Indian Boundary YMCA.

That's where Dilf and I ran into him.

P.S. Were I to speak ill of the dead, I would make a comment about Mr. Hires.

CTK said...

Mr. Hires is dead?

I was told he once said about me "I'm gonna rip off his head and shit down his throat."

Which ex-boyfriend? Larry Craig, or Ean-say Owler-fay?

And who is the protagonist in this story? Satan himself? I suspect Arhan-fay Ounus-yay was the co-conspirator in any event.

Satan said...

Yeah, he even got mono so he could graduate early.

Your detective skills seem to be improving, CTK.

Übermilf said...

CTK: the last paragraph under some family news

Satan is mentioned in the alumni section.