Thursday, April 2, 2009

Travel Advice

Credit crisis, indignant demagoguery, grubbing for that stimulating pork – all told, there’s been a notable uptick in the number of people traveling to Hell recently. Many of our new voyagers are eschewing the traditional standards, the handbasket and and the bucket, in favor of the airplane. Sadly, despite all the good intentions along the way, we’ve had some difficulties. So, in an effort to keep the lines moving smoothly, here’s some advice for Air Travel to Hell:

1. As soon as the plane takes off, recline your seat as hard as possible into the kneecaps of the person behind you.
2. The seat belt sign is a suggestion only. Feel free to get up and walk around whenever you like. Seatbelts on airplanes are worth fuck-all anyway.
3. If you are in a window or middle seat and want to get up, do not ask the person in the aisle seat to get up. Instead, either squeeze by or climb over him or her, being sure to rub your ass in his or her face.
4. When walking down the aisle, try to elbow, shoulder, or kick as many people as possible.
5. The small sink in the lavatory is actually a urinal.
6. If you have to sneeze, try to have as many other passengers in range as possible.
7. To improve the air quality on the flight, do not wear socks, and take off your shoes as soon as you are seated.
8. If you are large and sweaty, wear as little clothing as possible. Tank tops and shorts.
9. While you are seated, position your elbow in the stomach of the person next to you.
10. If someone falls asleep, please wake him or her up and share your life story.

Enjoy the trip!

-- Satan