Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Ask Satan

One Mr. Labooziak asked:

Question for Satan- Is this hell and is it freezing over because it's not getting any warmer here in the Chicago area any time soon!

Nope. Well, the center of Hell is already frozen over, of course -- just check the travel guide, there's a description in the "Ninth Circle" section. But if all of Hell were freezing over there'd be obvious signs. In particular, the Cubs would have won the World Series. But as I'm sure you know, Dustiny got in the way of that, now all the apoplexy Sweet Lou can muster won't help with the karmic fallout once Sam Zell gets the naming rights to Wrigley auctioned off to the highest bidder. One hundred years may look like a drop in the bucket. (Who knew Sam Zell would be instrumental in forestalling the apocalypse?)

Digression aside, it's no big deal, it's just the weather getting more extreme as global climate change drives larger weather fluctuations. Worst in the middle of continents, actually. You may want to head for the coast. Well, a coast that doesn't get hurricanes.

It's still no 1979, though.

-- Satan

Ask Satan is published irregularly per questions received. (And schedule permitting -- I have a great question pending but I just haven't had time to do it justice...) Have a question for Satan? Email it to Satan or post it in the comments.


Übermilf said...

See, I would've thought Zell was one of your minions.

Satan said...

I doubt Sam Zell would do what he's told by anyone...

Mauigirl said...

You mean Boston winning the World Series didn't already prove Hell had frozen over???

Satan said...

Not at all. The fact that the Red Sox won was a triumph over years of bad luck, bad management, and a history of racism, and a well-deserved reward to their long-suffering fans. Nothing to do with Hell.

Unless you count the fact that they're my team.

-- Satan

St. Patrick said...

Just stopped by to wish you well on my special day and to remind you to stay out of Ireland you sneaky snake in the grass!

Satan said...

Why, thank you Patrick!

I should also thank you - or perhaps the Irish? - for annually providing the excuse for a great party. Especially for the juxtaposition this year of your traditional celebration with the final week of Lent.

-- Satan

Übermilf said...

I just want you to know I had a weird dream that Mark Routbort, Mimi Bhattacharya (sp?) and I traveled to Africa to visit you and Laura Wondolowski, who you had married and had a baby with.

If it's any consolation, we brought you a nice gift.

Satan said...


Considering that Lora is a lesbian, that would have taken some doing. (And no, I don't think her preference has anything to do with your ex-boyfriend.) Also, I think both her partner and my wife would be upset... Maybe that's why we had to go to Africa.

I haven't heard anything from or about Mark Routbort in years. How was he doing in your dream? In your dream, does he just give his high school valedictory speech over and over?

Two y's in Bhattacharyya (in this case, I've seen multiple spellings).