Saturday, August 9, 2008

Ask Satan

I haven’t run an Ask Satan entry in a while, mostly because I haven’t received questions to answer – which in turn is because I don’t have many readers because I been writing much. So, faced with this blog-variety recession, I will eschew the option of no longer occupying Iraq and instead do the economic stimulus package. Here’s the question that’s been ripening in my inbox for five months. H. Lindy asks:

Dear Satan,

Besides George W. Bush, what is your proudest achievement?

Just wondering.

Lindy
Child of God


What an interesting question! So many things to say. I’ll start with the irony: here’s an apparently Christian inquirer putting the blame for Bush the Lesser on me, when we all know that it was the Christians who put the Decider in office in the first place, and kept him there. Where’s the accountability? I’m sorry, but it was people in your sect who bought the brand identity, the right-to-life no-gay-marriage God-Bless-America line cynically sold by the neoconservative powerbrokers. And people say the Third Reich had a great branding campaign. I’ll say this: that straight-arm Roman salute at least looks better than the televangelists on FOX News.

Curious also that you’d pick the Shrub as my greatest hit. Usually people pull out Hitler, maybe Stalin, Mao – or for the connoisseur, Il Duce, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Walt Disney. Though I can’t take any credit for Hitler, he’s one I just sat back and watched. I don’t actually find him personally all that interesting, more a little sad, but he did bring about some fascinating choices. Everyone likes to believe they’d hide Anne Frank in their attic, but the reality is that turning in your neighbor so they won’t take your child is a very real moral dilemma, and those are the choices I find most interesting.

But I digress. No, the cheerleader isn’t my proudest achievement. He’s really far too easy to twist around with a whisper in the ear to be much of an accomplishment at all.

So what is? Hmm. I could be trite and say "democracy" – which I do quite like, but while it’s a perfectly legitimate answer, and I could ramble on for a while about all the interesting choices it puts in front of people, in the end I don’t think it’s all that inspired an answer to your question.

I could also jab you with one of my forked appendages and answer "Lindy" – how would you take that? Heh.

No, here’s my answer: Christianity. Jesus – the real one – would be weeping in his fucking grave if he knew what a twisted, schismed, godawful set of monstrosities have been made out of what he was trying to say.

And yeah, I had something to do with that. But so did you.

-- Satan

Ask Satan might appear again if I get some questions. Any topic. Post questions in the comments or email them to me.

4 comments:

Mauigirl said...

Ah, Satan, what a fascinating answer. And it makes perfect sense. What better way for Satan to triumph in this world than to pervert the very religion that was supposed to vanquish him? Diabolical indeed.

FranIAm said...

Jesus would be weeping? Oh trust me- he is weeping. A lot.

Übermilf said...

What about mosquitoes? Surely, mosquitoes must be your doing.

Distributorcap said...

you are a man (or devil) of many accomplishments.