Ask Satan

Reader Übermilf writes, “Who would Satan like to see win the presidency?”

Dearest Milfesty,

It’s been a long and pretty sad day here in Hell.

I’m generally a little reluctant to make endorsements. In some cases they come out spectacularly well, such as the 2000 South Carolina Republican primary, but more often than not they don’t. Still, in response to your question I was ready to use this space to endorse my favorites in both parties: John Edwards in the Democratic party, and Rudy Giuliani in the Republican. But today, each of them withdrew from the race.

John Edwards embodies a degree of mental flexibility uncommon even in politicians. In his career as a trial lawyer, Edwards made his name and his money gaining spectacular punitive damage awards in medical malpractice lawsuits, doing his part to drive up the cost of malpractice insurance and health care. As a legislator and candidate, he’s altered his viewpoint, arguing for changes in tort procedures and affordable health care for the poor. This type of flexibility, being able to completely change one’s position up to 180 degrees in response to what helps you at the time, is invaluable to a president.

I think Rudy Giuliani’s record stands for itself, really. National security could not be safer than in the hands of a man who has run more show trials than anyone. On immigration issues, who has cracked down on the petty crimes committed by more immigrants? Who better to unite the country than a man who has been a Democrat, an Independent, a Republican, and run on the Liberal Party ticket? Who could have better relations with business than the man who set up huge public subsidies to the Yankees and in return is paid by them through his security consulting business?

Well, with both of these fine gentlemen out of the picture, I will have to reconsider my positions. At least the next-best Democratic candidate is obvious, though I think I shall not make an endorsement hastily after what happened today.

Sadly yours,

-- Satan

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