Ask Satan

Übermilf asked:

is taco dip one of your inventions?

Um, no... Why, does it feel sinful? Do you feel like you're getting extra help when you make it?

---

Ok, it's been slow here lately. I'm mostly just amused by the idea that the U.S. of A. Federal Government will soon own a huge part of the country's financial industry. Yeah, that's capitalism for you. To think Reagan and Bush (the Greater) really thought they'd beat socialism in the Cold War.

But moving from comedy to sports, the ancient and honorable competition of Finger Pointing has been great. Not as good as the F1 race at Spa (the actual race, not the stewards), but pretty good nonetheless. My favorite entry so far comes by way of that champion of the feet, both surgically and in his mouth, none other than Curt Schilling: Finger Pointing 101...

A revisionist masterpiece. Any other contenders?

-- Satan

Satan's Picks

Here's how the current worldline will play out, before future interventions:

Atlanta @ Carolina          Carolina
Cleveland @ Cincinnati      Cincinnati
Houston @ Jacksonville      Jacksonville
Denver @ Kansas City        Denver 
San Francisco @New Orleans  New Orleans
Arizona @ NY Jets           Arizona 
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay       Green Bay 
Minnesota @ Tennessee       Tennessee
San Diego @ Oakland         San Diego 
Buffalo @ St Louis          Buffalo 
Washington @ Dallas         Dallas
Philadelphia @ Chicago      Philadelphia 
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh      Baltimore 

Forgot to post these last week, so for the record:

Kansas City @ Atlanta        Atlanta
Oakland @ Buffalo            Buffalo
Tampa Bay @ Chicago          Tampa Bay 
Carolina @ Minnesota         Minnesota
Miami @ New England          New England
Cincinnati @ NY Giants       NY Giants
Houston @ Tennessee          Tennessee
Arizona @ Washington         Arizona  
Nawlins @ Denver             Denver
Detroit @ San Francisco      San Francisco
St Louis @ Seattle           Seattle
Cleveland @ Baltimore        Baltimore
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis  Indianapolis
Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia    Philadelphia
Dallas @ Green Bay           Green Bay
NY Jets @ San Diego          San Diego

Quiet week for me, actually - only three games revised. The main excitement was the faction who hate the Patriots waking up to the fact that just taking out Tom Brady wasn't enough to make the Patriots lose, so they had to step up and sell a little more...

-- Satan

Satan's Picks

Amazing how many people wished Tom Brady ill -- enough to do something about it. And that was only the beginning of some interesting deals... Well, dear readers, in case you were misled in your investments by the advance version of reality reported last week, here's a chance to recoup. Less time for revisions this week. Though it takes only an instant if the intent is there...

Chicago       @ Carolina      Carolina
Buffalo       @ Jacksonville  Jacksonville
Oakland       @ Kansas City   Kansas City
Indianapolis  @ Minnesota     Minnesota
Nawlins       @ Washington    Nawlins 
NY Giants     @ St Louis      NY Giants 
Green Bay     @ Detroit       Green Bay 
Tennessee     @ Cincinnati    Tennessee 
San Francisco @ Seattle       Seattle
Atlanta       @ Tampa Bay     Tampa Bay
Miami         @ Arizona       Arizona
New England   @ NY Jets       New England 
San Diego     @ Denver        San Diego 
Baltimore     @ Houston       Baltimore 
Pittsburgh    @ Cleveland     Pittsburgh 
Philadelphia  @ Dallas        Philadelphia

-- Satan

Satan's Football Picks

Gambling season is back. Here's what will happen this week - subject, of course, to deals made later by players, fans, bookies, etc. Ranked in order of certainty.

KC  @ NE   NE
STL @ PHI  PHI
CHI @ IND  IND
CAR @ SD   SD
SEA @ BUF  SEA
WAS @ NYG  NYG
ARI @ SF   ARI
DEN @ OAK  DEN
DAL @ CLE  DAL
MIN @ GB   GB
JAC @ TEN  JAC
DET @ ATL  DET
TB  @ NO   TB
CIN @ BAL  BAL
HOU @ PIT  PIT
NYJ @ MIA  NYJ

Feel free to use these to make money. Just don't blame me if you lose.

-- Satan

Palin

By far the best move in politics this year.

Nice timing, too.

-- Satan

Decontextualize

A quote taken out of context:

"...scientists were unable to distinguish between the head and rear of the cattle..."

Ask Satan

I haven’t run an Ask Satan entry in a while, mostly because I haven’t received questions to answer – which in turn is because I don’t have many readers because I been writing much. So, faced with this blog-variety recession, I will eschew the option of no longer occupying Iraq and instead do the economic stimulus package. Here’s the question that’s been ripening in my inbox for five months. H. Lindy asks:

Dear Satan,

Besides George W. Bush, what is your proudest achievement?

Just wondering.

Lindy
Child of God

What an interesting question! So many things to say. I’ll start with the irony: here’s an apparently Christian inquirer putting the blame for Bush the Lesser on me, when we all know that it was the Christians who put the Decider in office in the first place, and kept him there. Where’s the accountability? I’m sorry, but it was people in your sect who bought the brand identity, the right-to-life no-gay-marriage God-Bless-America line cynically sold by the neoconservative powerbrokers. And people say the Third Reich had a great branding campaign. I’ll say this: that straight-arm Roman salute at least looks better than the televangelists on FOX News.

Curious also that you’d pick the Shrub as my greatest hit. Usually people pull out Hitler, maybe Stalin, Mao – or for the connoisseur, Il Duce, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Walt Disney. Though I can’t take any credit for Hitler, he’s one I just sat back and watched. I don’t actually find him personally all that interesting, more a little sad, but he did bring about some fascinating choices. Everyone likes to believe they’d hide Anne Frank in their attic, but the reality is that turning in your neighbor so they won’t take your child is a very real moral dilemma, and those are the choices I find most interesting.

But I digress. No, the cheerleader isn’t my proudest achievement. He’s really far too easy to twist around with a whisper in the ear to be much of an accomplishment at all.

So what is? Hmm. I could be trite and say "democracy" – which I do quite like, but while it’s a perfectly legitimate answer, and I could ramble on for a while about all the interesting choices it puts in front of people, in the end I don’t think it’s all that inspired an answer to your question.

I could also jab you with one of my forked appendages and answer "Lindy" – how would you take that? Heh.

No, here’s my answer: Christianity. Jesus – the real one – would be weeping in his fucking grave if he knew what a twisted, schismed, godawful set of monstrosities have been made out of what he was trying to say.

And yeah, I had something to do with that. But so did you.

-- Satan

Ask Satan might appear again if I get some questions. Any topic. Post questions in the comments or email them to me.

Cupcake!

I am very happy to report that I recently received my first cupcake from Übermilf.

Grunt

I have nothing pithy to say. But I have not posted in a week, so I'll just complain.

I hate the wave. I strongly dislike Joba Chamberlain. It is an embarrassment that Marvin Miller is not in the Hall of Fame. I do not understand how anyone can take seriously a sport that encourages players to pretend to be hurt on the field. I hate Ferrari. I can't decide which is worse for sports, instant replay rules or the drug testing arms race. I don't really care about the Olympics any more, except the stuff about the Speedo swimsuit, which is only because of the amusement of endorsement deals forcing people into inferior products.

What would the outcome be if we ran all the primaries over again from scratch, back to the beginning of fundraising? Or would the same endorsement deals still force people into the same inferior products?

That's all the crap I can come up with today, a day of confluence of bad events. Hope yours was better.

-- Satan

How Not to Win Friends and Influence People

You know, it turns of to be somewhat unrewarding, this decision that I have enough time to squeeze in writing the odd blog entry, considering that I haven't yet carved out the time to look at any other blogs.

So, as I'm not really part of a conversation anyway, I'll just ramble on about the primaries -- something I really meant to say more about when it was a little more topical.

Clinton the Lesser. She's proven the name appropriate -- at least provisionally. I never came out and endorsed her, so you can't blame me, but how in the hell did she manage to blow an election that she once had in the bag? Even after she started to let it get away, I kept expecting her to get it back together and pull it out. But it never happened. Everything was too little, too late.

Or too much too late, some of it. Pulling out the stops on pandering just looks desperate when you're that deep in the hole. I know it's all been covered - the affected Arkansas accent, the gas tax relief crap (come on, this country doesn't even have a significant national gas tax to begin with), the "I don't care what economists think" bullshit, etc., etc. But I do have to say -- Crown Royale? You're trying to be all middle American in a bar, so you're going to do a shot of Crown Royale? Crown Royale? Um, you're aware that it's Canadian, right? You know it comes in a velvet bag? Christ, why not just order a cosmopolitan? Is it that hard to say Jack Daniels? Or Jim Beam? Or if you really want to go with imported liquor, do a fucking tequila shot.

It was all very, very disappointing. As things now stand, Clinton the Lesser's political career will be remembered primarily for her two major failures: the failure to get health care reform through in 1994, and completely blowing this primary.

Or will it? There is one possible future that would put her back on top, not to mention winning her a new name. Obama losing this election, and then Clinton winning in 2012.

So, will Clinton the Lesser fully back Obama? Or will she go with her own self-interest, and subtly try to sabatoge his chances?

-- Satan