Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Parable

At about 10:30 am, Jack drives up to the McDonald's drive-through. He waits for the SUV ahead to order, then for the kid taking orders to be ready.

Out of the speaker: "Hello, would you like to try the new Angus burger today?"

"No thank you. I'd like two Sausage McMuffins with egg, please."

"We're serving lunch now."

"Excuse me?"

"We're not serving breakfast now. We're serving lunch."

"I can't order breakfast at 10:30 in the morning?"

The kid, interrupting, "It's 10:36."

"What time do you stop serving breakfast?"


"So you're telling me that you won't serve me breakfast because it's 10:36 and not 10:30?"

The kid, getting officious, "No, I'm telling you that..."

Jack doesn't know what he was being told, he isn't listening. Cutting the kid off: "Listen, why don't you go fuck yourself with the leftover sausage McMuffins that you won't sell me."

He doesn't actually get that out. The kid jumps in with: "No, you go fuck youself!" Jack, pissed off, slams on the gas, traction control chattering the wheels instead of a real peelout.

Going by where window where the kid takes the money, the kid calls out, "Goodbye", sarcastically. Jack slams on the brakes, skids it a little even with antilock brakes, stalls the car. Really pissed off now. Starts the car, puts it in reverse to back up to where the kid is, then changes his mind. Instead, Jack pulls up to the window just ahead, the one where you pick up your food.

The guy in there: "May I help you?"

"May I speak with a manager please?"

Not too long, then the manager, 30-ish woman who eats too many meals there. "May I help you?"

Jack, trying to control his voice, "Maybe you should tell the servers not to swear at the customers." Doesn't wait for an answer, just drives off.

Still really pissed.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Without the Bitterness

Here's what I read on my Chipotle cup just now while... well, never mind what I was doing.

Sour Cream, Without the Bitterness

Left to nature, dairy cows produce up to eight gallons of milk a day. This natural way has worked well for man and cow for eons.

However, agricultural chemists have formulated a synthetic hormone that is injected into a cow to artificially increase milk production. Recombinant bovine growth hormone (rBGH) is used in the United States, but banned in other countries. Many farmers report rBGH causes maladies such as udder infections and joint problems. Those synthetic growth hormones could end up in the milk we drink. While it's not clear how these hormones affect us, they're just another thing we, and the cows, could probably do without.

At Chipotle, we serve naturally raised meats that come from vegetarian-fed animals that are humanely raised and never given antibiotics or growth hormones. We think the same should be true for the dairy cows that produce our sour cream. So we've worked with our supplier, Daisy Brand, to ensure that none of their cows supplying cream for our sour cream receive rBGH.

We think producing milk the way nature intended is better for everyone. It's another step along our Food with Integrity journey - bringing you the very best ingredients from the very best sources.

I completely agree that I'd prefer my dairy products to come from non-rBGH cows. But much of this blurb is complete bullshit.

Cows produce milk for the same reason as all other mammals: to feed newborn babies. Depending on the breed, a calf needs milk for 4-6 weeks, and initially needs 6-12 pounds of milk per day: 0.75-1.5 gallons. At the outside that's 63 gallons total.
A dairy cow producing 8 gallons per day works out to 2920 gallons a year - over 45 times more than a calf would need in its life.

There's nothing even remotely natural about a dairy cow. Dairy cows have been bred to produce far more milk than they need to for their own purposes by artificial selection. Then dairy farmers keep the milk coming by pumping it out of them twice a day.

Humans don't "naturally" drink cow milk either. In fact, we had to adapt to be able to digest the lactose in cow milk; many humans can't even do it or lose the ability during their lives.

The reality is not "natural" dairy cows vs. "artificial" hormones. It's one kind of artificial vs. another kind of artificial. But I guess the truth doesn't make good propaganda.

-- Satan

Friday, February 12, 2010


Up late, tired. The end of the week, I want to go to bed but there's work that has to get done tonight. So it gets done, slowly.

Reading old posts here. Amusing to me, but some really need a copyeditor.

-- Satan

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Travel Advice

Credit crisis, indignant demagoguery, grubbing for that stimulating pork – all told, there’s been a notable uptick in the number of people traveling to Hell recently. Many of our new voyagers are eschewing the traditional standards, the handbasket and and the bucket, in favor of the airplane. Sadly, despite all the good intentions along the way, we’ve had some difficulties. So, in an effort to keep the lines moving smoothly, here’s some advice for Air Travel to Hell:

1. As soon as the plane takes off, recline your seat as hard as possible into the kneecaps of the person behind you.
2. The seat belt sign is a suggestion only. Feel free to get up and walk around whenever you like. Seatbelts on airplanes are worth fuck-all anyway.
3. If you are in a window or middle seat and want to get up, do not ask the person in the aisle seat to get up. Instead, either squeeze by or climb over him or her, being sure to rub your ass in his or her face.
4. When walking down the aisle, try to elbow, shoulder, or kick as many people as possible.
5. The small sink in the lavatory is actually a urinal.
6. If you have to sneeze, try to have as many other passengers in range as possible.
7. To improve the air quality on the flight, do not wear socks, and take off your shoes as soon as you are seated.
8. If you are large and sweaty, wear as little clothing as possible. Tank tops and shorts.
9. While you are seated, position your elbow in the stomach of the person next to you.
10. If someone falls asleep, please wake him or her up and share your life story.

Enjoy the trip!

-- Satan

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Like a feather caught in a vortex, Williams ran around the square of bases at the center of our beseeching screaming. He ran as he always ran out home runs--hurriedly, unsmiling, head down, as if our praise were a storm of rain to get out of. He didn't tip his cap. Though we thumped, wept, and chanted "We want Ted" for minutes after he hid in the dugout, he did not come back. Our noise for some seconds passed beyond excitement into a kind of immense open anguish, a wailing, a cry to be saved. But immortality is nontransferable. The papers said that the other players, and even the umpires on the field, begged him to come out and acknowledge us in some way, but he never had and did not now. Gods do not answer letters.

-- from Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu

Going down with all her lights blazing the great ship America.

-- from Rabbit is Rich

Rest in peace, John Updike.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Waterboarding is Torture

Damn straight, Mr. Holder.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Satan's Picks

Baltimore        4
Carolina 13
Chicago 12
Green Bay 10
Indianapolis 7
San Diego 9
NY Giants 8
Philadelphia 11
Tampa Bay 6
Buffalo 2
Dallas 14
New England 5
Pittsburgh 3
Minnesota 1

Last weekend was much, much too busy. I think I'll head for Japan to reduce stress.

-- Satan

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Ask Satan

Übermilf asked:

is taco dip one of your inventions?

Um, no... Why, does it feel sinful? Do you feel like you're getting extra help when you make it?


Ok, it's been slow here lately. I'm mostly just amused by the idea that the U.S. of A. Federal Government will soon own a huge part of the country's financial industry. Yeah, that's capitalism for you. To think Reagan and Bush (the Greater) really thought they'd beat socialism in the Cold War.

But moving from comedy to sports, the ancient and honorable competition of Finger Pointing has been great. Not as good as the F1 race at Spa (the actual race, not the stewards), but pretty good nonetheless. My favorite entry so far comes by way of that champion of the feet, both surgically and in his mouth, none other than Curt Schilling: Finger Pointing 101...

A revisionist masterpiece. Any other contenders?

-- Satan

Satan's Picks

Here's how the current worldline will play out, before future interventions:

Atlanta @ Carolina Carolina
Cleveland @ Cincinnati Cincinnati
Houston @ Jacksonville Jacksonville
Denver @ Kansas City Denver
San Francisco @New Orleans New Orleans
Arizona @ NY Jets Arizona
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay Green Bay
Minnesota @ Tennessee Tennessee
San Diego @ Oakland San Diego
Buffalo @ St Louis Buffalo
Washington @ Dallas Dallas
Philadelphia @ Chicago Philadelphia
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh Baltimore

Forgot to post these last week, so for the record:

Kansas City @ Atlanta Atlanta
Oakland @ Buffalo Buffalo
Tampa Bay @ Chicago Tampa Bay
Carolina @ Minnesota Minnesota
Miami @ New England New England
Cincinnati @ NY Giants NY Giants
Houston @ Tennessee Tennessee
Arizona @ Washington Arizona
Nawlins @ Denver Denver
Detroit @ San Francisco San Francisco
St Louis @ Seattle Seattle
Cleveland @ Baltimore Baltimore
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis Indianapolis
Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia Philadelphia
Dallas @ Green Bay Green Bay
NY Jets @ San Diego San Diego

Quiet week for me, actually - only three games revised. The main excitement was the faction who hate the Patriots waking up to the fact that just taking out Tom Brady wasn't enough to make the Patriots lose, so they had to step up and sell a little more...

-- Satan

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Satan's Picks

Amazing how many people wished Tom Brady ill -- enough to do something about it. And that was only the beginning of some interesting deals... Well, dear readers, in case you were misled in your investments by the advance version of reality reported last week, here's a chance to recoup. Less time for revisions this week. Though it takes only an instant if the intent is there...

Chicago @ Carolina Carolina
Buffalo @ Jacksonville Jacksonville
Oakland @ Kansas City Kansas City
Indianapolis @ Minnesota Minnesota
Nawlins @ Washington Nawlins
NY Giants @ St Louis NY Giants
Green Bay @ Detroit Green Bay
Tennessee @ Cincinnati Tennessee
San Francisco @ Seattle Seattle
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay Tampa Bay
Miami @ Arizona Arizona
New England @ NY Jets New England
San Diego @ Denver San Diego
Baltimore @ Houston Baltimore
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland Pittsburgh
Philadelphia @ Dallas Philadelphia

-- Satan