A Parable

At about 10:30 am, Jack drives up to the McDonald's drive-through. He waits for the SUV ahead to order, then for the kid taking orders to be ready.

Out of the speaker: "Hello, would you like to try the new Angus burger today?"

"No thank you. I'd like two Sausage McMuffins with egg, please."

"We're serving lunch now."

"Excuse me?"

"We're not serving breakfast now. We're serving lunch."

"I can't order breakfast at 10:30 in the morning?"

The kid, interrupting, "It's 10:36."

"What time do you stop serving breakfast?"

"10:30"

"So you're telling me that you won't serve me breakfast because it's 10:36 and not 10:30?"

The kid, getting officious, "No, I'm telling you that..."

Jack doesn't know what he was being told, he isn't listening. Cutting the kid off: "Listen, why don't you go fuck yourself with the leftover sausage McMuffins that you won't sell me."

He doesn't actually get that out. The kid jumps in with: "No, you go fuck youself!" Jack, pissed off, slams on the gas, traction control chattering the wheels instead of a real peelout.

Going by where window where the kid takes the money, the kid calls out, "Goodbye", sarcastically. Jack slams on the brakes, skids it a little even with antilock brakes, stalls the car. Really pissed off now. Starts the car, puts it in reverse to back up to where the kid is, then changes his mind. Instead, Jack pulls up to the window just ahead, the one where you pick up your food.

The guy in there: "May I help you?"

"May I speak with a manager please?"

Not too long, then the manager, 30-ish woman who eats too many meals there. "May I help you?"

Jack, trying to control his voice, "Maybe you should tell the servers not to swear at the customers." Doesn't wait for an answer, just drives off.

Still really pissed.

Without the Bitterness

Here's what I read on my Chipotle cup just now while... well, never mind what I was doing.

Sour Cream, Without the Bitterness

Left to nature, dairy cows produce up to eight gallons of milk a day. This natural way has worked well for man and cow for eons.

However, agricultural chemists have formulated a synthetic hormone that is injected into a cow to artificially increase milk production. Recombinant bovine growth hormone (rBGH) is used in the United States, but banned in other countries. Many farmers report rBGH causes maladies such as udder infections and joint problems. Those synthetic growth hormones could end up in the milk we drink. While it's not clear how these hormones affect us, they're just another thing we, and the cows, could probably do without.

At Chipotle, we serve naturally raised meats that come from vegetarian-fed animals that are humanely raised and never given antibiotics or growth hormones. We think the same should be true for the dairy cows that produce our sour cream. So we've worked with our supplier, Daisy Brand, to ensure that none of their cows supplying cream for our sour cream receive rBGH.

We think producing milk the way nature intended is better for everyone. It's another step along our Food with Integrity journey - bringing you the very best ingredients from the very best sources.

I completely agree that I'd prefer my dairy products to come from non-rBGH cows. But much of this blurb is complete bullshit.

Cows produce milk for the same reason as all other mammals: to feed newborn babies. Depending on the breed, a calf needs milk for 4-6 weeks, and initially needs 6-12 pounds of milk per day: 0.75-1.5 gallons. At the outside that's 63 gallons total.
A dairy cow producing 8 gallons per day works out to 2920 gallons a year - over 45 times more than a calf would need in its life.

There's nothing even remotely natural about a dairy cow. Dairy cows have been bred to produce far more milk than they need to for their own purposes by artificial selection. Then dairy farmers keep the milk coming by pumping it out of them twice a day.

Humans don't "naturally" drink cow milk either. In fact, we had to adapt to be able to digest the lactose in cow milk; many humans can't even do it or lose the ability during their lives.

The reality is not "natural" dairy cows vs. "artificial" hormones. It's one kind of artificial vs. another kind of artificial. But I guess the truth doesn't make good propaganda.

-- Satan

Sleepy

Up late, tired. The end of the week, I want to go to bed but there's work that has to get done tonight. So it gets done, slowly.

Reading old posts here. Amusing to me, but some really need a copyeditor.

-- Satan

Travel Advice

Credit crisis, indignant demagoguery, grubbing for that stimulating pork – all told, there’s been a notable uptick in the number of people traveling to Hell recently. Many of our new voyagers are eschewing the traditional standards, the handbasket and and the bucket, in favor of the airplane. Sadly, despite all the good intentions along the way, we’ve had some difficulties. So, in an effort to keep the lines moving smoothly, here’s some advice for Air Travel to Hell:

1. As soon as the plane takes off, recline your seat as hard as possible into the kneecaps of the person behind you.
2. The seat belt sign is a suggestion only. Feel free to get up and walk around whenever you like. Seatbelts on airplanes are worth fuck-all anyway.
3. If you are in a window or middle seat and want to get up, do not ask the person in the aisle seat to get up. Instead, either squeeze by or climb over him or her, being sure to rub your ass in his or her face.
4. When walking down the aisle, try to elbow, shoulder, or kick as many people as possible.
5. The small sink in the lavatory is actually a urinal.
6. If you have to sneeze, try to have as many other passengers in range as possible.
7. To improve the air quality on the flight, do not wear socks, and take off your shoes as soon as you are seated.
8. If you are large and sweaty, wear as little clothing as possible. Tank tops and shorts.
9. While you are seated, position your elbow in the stomach of the person next to you.
10. If someone falls asleep, please wake him or her up and share your life story.

Enjoy the trip!

-- Satan

R.I.P.

Like a feather caught in a vortex, Williams ran around the square of bases at the center of our beseeching screaming. He ran as he always ran out home runs--hurriedly, unsmiling, head down, as if our praise were a storm of rain to get out of. He didn't tip his cap. Though we thumped, wept, and chanted "We want Ted" for minutes after he hid in the dugout, he did not come back. Our noise for some seconds passed beyond excitement into a kind of immense open anguish, a wailing, a cry to be saved. But immortality is nontransferable. The papers said that the other players, and even the umpires on the field, begged him to come out and acknowledge us in some way, but he never had and did not now. Gods do not answer letters.

-- from Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu

Going down with all her lights blazing the great ship America.

-- from Rabbit is Rich

Rest in peace, John Updike.

Waterboarding is Torture

Damn straight, Mr. Holder.

Satan's Picks

Baltimore        4
Carolina        13
Chicago         12
Green Bay       10
Indianapolis     7
San Diego        9
NY Giants        8
Philadelphia    11
Tampa Bay        6
Buffalo          2
Dallas          14
New England      5
Pittsburgh       3
Minnesota        1

Last weekend was much, much too busy. I think I'll head for Japan to reduce stress.

-- Satan

Ask Satan

Übermilf asked:

is taco dip one of your inventions?

Um, no... Why, does it feel sinful? Do you feel like you're getting extra help when you make it?

---

Ok, it's been slow here lately. I'm mostly just amused by the idea that the U.S. of A. Federal Government will soon own a huge part of the country's financial industry. Yeah, that's capitalism for you. To think Reagan and Bush (the Greater) really thought they'd beat socialism in the Cold War.

But moving from comedy to sports, the ancient and honorable competition of Finger Pointing has been great. Not as good as the F1 race at Spa (the actual race, not the stewards), but pretty good nonetheless. My favorite entry so far comes by way of that champion of the feet, both surgically and in his mouth, none other than Curt Schilling: Finger Pointing 101...

A revisionist masterpiece. Any other contenders?

-- Satan

Satan's Picks

Here's how the current worldline will play out, before future interventions:

Atlanta @ Carolina          Carolina
Cleveland @ Cincinnati      Cincinnati
Houston @ Jacksonville      Jacksonville
Denver @ Kansas City        Denver 
San Francisco @New Orleans  New Orleans
Arizona @ NY Jets           Arizona 
Green Bay @ Tampa Bay       Green Bay 
Minnesota @ Tennessee       Tennessee
San Diego @ Oakland         San Diego 
Buffalo @ St Louis          Buffalo 
Washington @ Dallas         Dallas
Philadelphia @ Chicago      Philadelphia 
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh      Baltimore 

Forgot to post these last week, so for the record:

Kansas City @ Atlanta        Atlanta
Oakland @ Buffalo            Buffalo
Tampa Bay @ Chicago          Tampa Bay 
Carolina @ Minnesota         Minnesota
Miami @ New England          New England
Cincinnati @ NY Giants       NY Giants
Houston @ Tennessee          Tennessee
Arizona @ Washington         Arizona  
Nawlins @ Denver             Denver
Detroit @ San Francisco      San Francisco
St Louis @ Seattle           Seattle
Cleveland @ Baltimore        Baltimore
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis  Indianapolis
Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia    Philadelphia
Dallas @ Green Bay           Green Bay
NY Jets @ San Diego          San Diego

Quiet week for me, actually - only three games revised. The main excitement was the faction who hate the Patriots waking up to the fact that just taking out Tom Brady wasn't enough to make the Patriots lose, so they had to step up and sell a little more...

-- Satan

Satan's Picks

Amazing how many people wished Tom Brady ill -- enough to do something about it. And that was only the beginning of some interesting deals... Well, dear readers, in case you were misled in your investments by the advance version of reality reported last week, here's a chance to recoup. Less time for revisions this week. Though it takes only an instant if the intent is there...

Chicago       @ Carolina      Carolina
Buffalo       @ Jacksonville  Jacksonville
Oakland       @ Kansas City   Kansas City
Indianapolis  @ Minnesota     Minnesota
Nawlins       @ Washington    Nawlins 
NY Giants     @ St Louis      NY Giants 
Green Bay     @ Detroit       Green Bay 
Tennessee     @ Cincinnati    Tennessee 
San Francisco @ Seattle       Seattle
Atlanta       @ Tampa Bay     Tampa Bay
Miami         @ Arizona       Arizona
New England   @ NY Jets       New England 
San Diego     @ Denver        San Diego 
Baltimore     @ Houston       Baltimore 
Pittsburgh    @ Cleveland     Pittsburgh 
Philadelphia  @ Dallas        Philadelphia

-- Satan

Satan's Football Picks

Gambling season is back. Here's what will happen this week - subject, of course, to deals made later by players, fans, bookies, etc. Ranked in order of certainty.

KC  @ NE   NE
STL @ PHI  PHI
CHI @ IND  IND
CAR @ SD   SD
SEA @ BUF  SEA
WAS @ NYG  NYG
ARI @ SF   ARI
DEN @ OAK  DEN
DAL @ CLE  DAL
MIN @ GB   GB
JAC @ TEN  JAC
DET @ ATL  DET
TB  @ NO   TB
CIN @ BAL  BAL
HOU @ PIT  PIT
NYJ @ MIA  NYJ

Feel free to use these to make money. Just don't blame me if you lose.

-- Satan

Palin

By far the best move in politics this year.

Nice timing, too.

-- Satan

Decontextualize

A quote taken out of context:

"...scientists were unable to distinguish between the head and rear of the cattle..."

Ask Satan

I haven’t run an Ask Satan entry in a while, mostly because I haven’t received questions to answer – which in turn is because I don’t have many readers because I been writing much. So, faced with this blog-variety recession, I will eschew the option of no longer occupying Iraq and instead do the economic stimulus package. Here’s the question that’s been ripening in my inbox for five months. H. Lindy asks:

Dear Satan,

Besides George W. Bush, what is your proudest achievement?

Just wondering.

Lindy
Child of God

What an interesting question! So many things to say. I’ll start with the irony: here’s an apparently Christian inquirer putting the blame for Bush the Lesser on me, when we all know that it was the Christians who put the Decider in office in the first place, and kept him there. Where’s the accountability? I’m sorry, but it was people in your sect who bought the brand identity, the right-to-life no-gay-marriage God-Bless-America line cynically sold by the neoconservative powerbrokers. And people say the Third Reich had a great branding campaign. I’ll say this: that straight-arm Roman salute at least looks better than the televangelists on FOX News.

Curious also that you’d pick the Shrub as my greatest hit. Usually people pull out Hitler, maybe Stalin, Mao – or for the connoisseur, Il Duce, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Walt Disney. Though I can’t take any credit for Hitler, he’s one I just sat back and watched. I don’t actually find him personally all that interesting, more a little sad, but he did bring about some fascinating choices. Everyone likes to believe they’d hide Anne Frank in their attic, but the reality is that turning in your neighbor so they won’t take your child is a very real moral dilemma, and those are the choices I find most interesting.

But I digress. No, the cheerleader isn’t my proudest achievement. He’s really far too easy to twist around with a whisper in the ear to be much of an accomplishment at all.

So what is? Hmm. I could be trite and say "democracy" – which I do quite like, but while it’s a perfectly legitimate answer, and I could ramble on for a while about all the interesting choices it puts in front of people, in the end I don’t think it’s all that inspired an answer to your question.

I could also jab you with one of my forked appendages and answer "Lindy" – how would you take that? Heh.

No, here’s my answer: Christianity. Jesus – the real one – would be weeping in his fucking grave if he knew what a twisted, schismed, godawful set of monstrosities have been made out of what he was trying to say.

And yeah, I had something to do with that. But so did you.

-- Satan

Ask Satan might appear again if I get some questions. Any topic. Post questions in the comments or email them to me.

Cupcake!

I am very happy to report that I recently received my first cupcake from Übermilf.

Grunt

I have nothing pithy to say. But I have not posted in a week, so I'll just complain.

I hate the wave. I strongly dislike Joba Chamberlain. It is an embarrassment that Marvin Miller is not in the Hall of Fame. I do not understand how anyone can take seriously a sport that encourages players to pretend to be hurt on the field. I hate Ferrari. I can't decide which is worse for sports, instant replay rules or the drug testing arms race. I don't really care about the Olympics any more, except the stuff about the Speedo swimsuit, which is only because of the amusement of endorsement deals forcing people into inferior products.

What would the outcome be if we ran all the primaries over again from scratch, back to the beginning of fundraising? Or would the same endorsement deals still force people into the same inferior products?

That's all the crap I can come up with today, a day of confluence of bad events. Hope yours was better.

-- Satan

How Not to Win Friends and Influence People

You know, it turns of to be somewhat unrewarding, this decision that I have enough time to squeeze in writing the odd blog entry, considering that I haven't yet carved out the time to look at any other blogs.

So, as I'm not really part of a conversation anyway, I'll just ramble on about the primaries -- something I really meant to say more about when it was a little more topical.

Clinton the Lesser. She's proven the name appropriate -- at least provisionally. I never came out and endorsed her, so you can't blame me, but how in the hell did she manage to blow an election that she once had in the bag? Even after she started to let it get away, I kept expecting her to get it back together and pull it out. But it never happened. Everything was too little, too late.

Or too much too late, some of it. Pulling out the stops on pandering just looks desperate when you're that deep in the hole. I know it's all been covered - the affected Arkansas accent, the gas tax relief crap (come on, this country doesn't even have a significant national gas tax to begin with), the "I don't care what economists think" bullshit, etc., etc. But I do have to say -- Crown Royale? You're trying to be all middle American in a bar, so you're going to do a shot of Crown Royale? Crown Royale? Um, you're aware that it's Canadian, right? You know it comes in a velvet bag? Christ, why not just order a cosmopolitan? Is it that hard to say Jack Daniels? Or Jim Beam? Or if you really want to go with imported liquor, do a fucking tequila shot.

It was all very, very disappointing. As things now stand, Clinton the Lesser's political career will be remembered primarily for her two major failures: the failure to get health care reform through in 1994, and completely blowing this primary.

Or will it? There is one possible future that would put her back on top, not to mention winning her a new name. Obama losing this election, and then Clinton winning in 2012.

So, will Clinton the Lesser fully back Obama? Or will she go with her own self-interest, and subtly try to sabatoge his chances?

-- Satan

The Currency We Deserve

A post something like what I might have written months ago had I had time...

The new US $5 bill. I got my first one a few months ago. That big purple 5 in block lettering in the lower right on the back really jars pretty badly with the classic ornate engraved design characteristic of US currency. Formerly characteristic, that is. This 5 looks like it should be on the uniform of some new expansion sports team with bad color sense - should we expect the next bill redesign to feature teal?

Of course, the trend of making US currency in the colors of Monopoly money is entirely apropos, considering the value of the currency in the world is heading in exactly that direction.

On closer inspection, poor taste isn't the only reflection of modern America that's been incorporated into the latest currency designs. The five also has a distinct purple tinge, like it's been soaked in the Kool-Aid we've all been asked to drink. The ten and twenty both appear to have been soaked in something red - perhaps an attempt to use tomato juice to get rid of the skunk stink of the US image in the rest of the world? Or just Iraqi blood? The other amusing new feature pioneered on the twenty was the snow of little numbers falling around the White House. Should we take that to be a nod to President Bush the Lesser's drug of choice, or the static in his mind?

US notes used to be classic and distinct, the traditional and unchanging styling echoing the stability of the dollar, the reference currency of the world economy. For my money (pun intended), the old $2 bill, featuring an engraving of the signing of the Declaration of Independence on the back, is the finest piece of currency ever designed. Multicolor, multisize notes were for the rest of the world. To me, they all look like toy money. They say hyperinflation - the same Yugoslav dictator appearing in subsequent printings on otherwise-identical bills with extra zeros added each time.

Well, if this is where we're going, might as well stop worrying and love the ugly purple bomb.

-- Satan

Quote

If there's a hell being prepared for me -- and I see no reason to think that there isn't -- it'll involve having to do all of Satan's ironing. And vacuuming.

Maybe this explains why they broke my iPod.

Inane Comment

 
If I had to pick one or two pitchers, he'd be in the top three.

-- Buck Showalter on Curt Schilling
Jan 23, 2008, in the ESPN studio during the rain delay before the start of the Diamondbacks/Red Sox game.